December 22

Well, it looks like we made it.  Anybody need some cases of Beefaroni?

December 21

 Your last shopping day until the end of the world.  I don’t know about all of you, but I am going to spend the last day watching Milla Jovovich movies on my DVR.

December 20

 Only 2 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I hope that you like stone-washed jeans.  After a while, that will be the only kind that most of us will have.

December 19

 Only 3 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Your used Christmas tree will make excellend firewood.  And the plastic ones make pretty colors while burning.

December 18

 Only 4 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I think you can quit recycling.

December 17

 Only 5 shopping days left until the end of the world. Here’s a tip:  You can use the Christmas lights from your neighbors’ abandoned houses to snare squirrels or gazelles.

December 16

 Only 6 shopping days left until the end of the world.  One last suggestion for your post-apocalyptic playlist:  (This Could Be) The Last Time by the immortal Rolling Stones.

December 15

 Only 7 shopping days left until the end of the world.  At least the seventh season of Futurama came out on DVD before the big calamity.

December 14

 Only 8 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Sign up now for TCNN – the Town Crier News Network!  In return for a place to sleep and a few meals, a professional news reporter will stand outside of your cave and announce breaking news.  I understand that Anderson Cooper is still available.

December 13

 Only 9 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It is not too late to join the Army.  They’ll give you a place to sleep, plenty of MREs (meals-ready-to-eat) and weapons.  Who could ask for more.

December 11

 Only 11 shopping days until the end of the world.  Contrary to what you may have read in the popular press (bleedingcool.com), tomorrow is not the end of the world.  The Mayans predicted this day centuries before Pope Gregory determined that next week Saturday would be the last day on Earth.

December 10

 Only 12 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those Mayans were crafty.  They knew that the premiere of the Hobbit movie would cause those once-gentle halflings to rise up from their hiding places and demonstrate their displeasure with the film with a worldwide campaign of murder and destruction.  Or not.

December 9

Only 13 shopping days left until the end of the world. Hook up an electrical generator to your exercise bicycle.  Then you can use the microwave to make a batch of loaded nachos.

December 8

 Only 14 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I just realized that with you ladies hanging your laundry outside to dry, it will be a lot easier to add to my lacy underwear collection.

December 7

 Only 15 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are running out of room in your doomsday safe house, get rid of the treadmill.  Finding a place to walk won’t be a problem.

December 6

 Only 16 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you suffer from a chronic, debilitating disease such as near-sightedness, move to California.  They have a head start on the personal pharmacology industry.

December 5

 Only 17 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of fiscal cliff, have a fiscal parachute ready.

 

December 4

 Only 18 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If your Mother did not throw out your comics books and baseball cards, congratulations!  You won’t have any trouble starting a fire.

December 3

 Only 19 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Your grocery store is a great place to pick up some super-cheap, long-lasting building materials:  fruitcake!

December 2

 Only 20 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Hurry down to the payday loan places and borrow the max to be paid back on December 23^rd.  Then load up on as many cans of lima beans that you can find.  That’ll show ‘em.*

*Please note:  Dr. MacArthur is a lunatic.  Do not try this at home. – The Legal Department

December 1

 Only 21 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t wait until the last minute.  My “The End is Near” posters won’t be ready until December 23.

November 30

 Only 22 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you who have stockpiled some shusi, make sure to cook it thoroughly.

November 29

 Only 23 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Got a sweet tooth?  Load up on M & Ms.  They melt in your mouth, not in your cave.

November 28

 Only 24 shopping days left until the end of the world.  There is still some room on the space ark for experienced tobacco farmers and moonshiners.  We are willing to bounce some vegetarian chefs to make more room if necessary.

November 27

 Only 25 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  It the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R E M.

November 26

 Only 26 shopping days left until the end of the world.  You can finally take your Star Wars action figures out of the boxes now.

November 25

 Only 27 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Time to prepare for Black Saturday, December 22.  Camp out in front of a store that you think won’t be totally destsroyed so you will be first in line for looting.  100% off!

November 24

 Only 28 shopping days left until the end of the world. I hope you hit the Black Friday sale at your local outdoor shop.  I got 30 percent off on cases or ready-to-eat meals and water purification kits.

November 23

 Only 29 days left until the end of the world.  Here’s my Thanksgiving “to-do” list for next year. Shoot a turkey.  Steal some potatoes, green beans and yams.  Milk someone’s else’s cow.  Make cheese.  Get out mu bread crumb collection. Marry someone who can turn all of this into a meal.  Be thankful that the Detroit Lions did not lose their Thanksgiving game.

November 22

 Only 30 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I know that many of you enjoyed some wild turkey over the holiday.  I hope that you saved a few bottles for next year.

November 21

 Only 31 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t bother buying any Powerball tickets.  Buy Hostess cupcakes instead.

November 20

 Only 32 shopping days  left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  Save the Last Dance for Me by the Drifters.

November 19

 Only 33 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I understand about global warming, the celestial alignment, the polar shift, but how did the Mayans know the the demise of the Twinkie snack cake would lead to world-wide chaos.

November 18

 Only34 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It is worth repeating:  It is not too late to order your copy of the Bob Ross Joy of Cave Painting course. 

November 17

 Only 35 shopping days left until the end of the world.  To all of you former Girl Scouts:  I am sure that you all have your sitapons, but remember you can’t live forever on s’mores.

November 16

 Only 36 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s the spices you will need for your wild game dishes.  Get coriander and cumin for squirrels, oregano and fennel for pigeon and lemon pepper for tropical fish.

November 15

 37 shopping days left until the end of the world.  What are you doing sitting around reading this.  For the sake of everything holy:  Go out and load up on Twinkies!

November 14

 Only 38 shopping days left until the end of the world.  A note to all of you “Back to Nature” folks:  Remember “nature” includes critters like rats, fleas and mosquitos.  I plan on having pleanty of D-Con, Raid and Off on hand.

November 13

 Only 39 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  Last Dance by Donna Summer.

November 12

 Only 40 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of alien invasion, team up with former U.S. governors like Arnold Swartzenegger and Jesse Ventura, and not like George W. Bush and Mitt Romney.

November 11

 Only 41 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Make sure that you know the difference between upwind and downwind before you construct your outhouse.

November 10

 Only 42 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember, roasting helps your nuts last longer.  That’s not what I meant.

November 9

 Only 43 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If somebody could just crossbreed a rabbit with a cow, we’ll have no hunger problems.  Just waste disposal challenges.

November 8

 Only 44 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are attacked by a wild animal, perhaps a bear, run!  Remember you don’t have to outrun the bear.  You just have to outrun one other person.*

*The old jokes are the best.

November 7

 Only 45 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of ice age, move south.  In case of solar flares, move north.  How to choose?  Flip a coin.

November 6

 Only 46 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For you post-disaster playlist:  Last Kiss by J. Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers, and of course, Pearl Jam.

November 5

 Only 47 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Would you like some reindeer steaks? Set up a hunting blind where your chimney used to be.

November 4

 Only 48 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I think that I speak for all Star Wars fans when I say:  “Now, you want to make three more movies?”

November 3

 Only 49 shopping days left until the end of the world.  How much alcohol should you stockpile?  Concentrate on spirits.  Beer won’t last long, and wine must be stored in a cool dry place.  Calculate your life expectancy and get one gallon for every week you intend to live . . . Forget it, you just can’t have too much booze.

November 2

 Only 50 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s a tip for your budding entrepreneurs.  Find a roast roadkill stand.  Set up a toothbrush counter down the street.

November 1

 Only 51 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Just three words:  Buffalo Pigeon Wings.

October 31

 Only 52 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember folks, you can’t plant the candy corn.

October 30

 Only 53 shopping days left until the end of the world.  The bad news:  our taxes are probably going up next year.  The good news:  there will be no one to collect them.

October 29

 Only 54 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Unlike an invitation to be honored by the Friars’ Club, a group of professional comedians; an offer to be roasted by the Cannibals’ Club should not be RSSPed.

October 28

 Only 55 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It has been suggested that the Mayans are actually predicting the Rapture, when God will call his faithful to their eternal reward.  If so, we’ll miss you.

October 27

 Only 56 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Available soon at the App Store:  Caller ID for your semaphore flags.*

*Extra credit if you know what semaphore flags are.

October 26

 Only 57 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Be prepared!  In case of a shift of the Earth’s magnetic poles, you may have to flip the batteries in your flashlight.

October 25

 Only 58 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s is not to lage to stock up on canned Brussels sprouts.  You will need something inedible for use as target practice.

October 24

 Only 59 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s an entrepreneurial idea for those of you betting on an ice age.  Start sending hockey equipment from Canada to Mexico. 

October 23

 Only 60 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I still remember how the neighbors laughed at my father when he dug our bomb shelter in the Fifties.  Now, if I could just remember where it is.

October 22

 Only 61 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If your Grandmother can make her biscuits over an open fire, please give her my number.

October 21

 Only 62 shopping days left until the end of the world.  On the bright side, I’m looking forward to the level of Sausage McMuffins in my blood stream to go down.

October 20

 Only 63 shopping days left until the end of the world.  At least we’ll have one last Bond movie. 

October 19

 Only 64 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Send some money to the Red Cross for those folks on the East Coast.  That could have been us.  And in just 64 days, it will be us.  What are you going to do with all that precious money then?

October 18

 Only 65 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-apocalyptic playlist:  Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival.

October 17

 Only 66 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Good news for all of you snow lovers.  The 2014 Winter Olympics are now scheduled for Mexico City.  See you there!

October 16

 Only 67 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Things might not be so bad after all.  I saw some Mayans setting up a 2013 calendar stand by the food court at the mall. 

October 15

 Only 68 days left until the end of the world.  My neighbor has trained cockroaches to race around in a big oval.  He’s painted numbers on their backs and is entertaining sponsorships for next year. 

Compiler's note

While I'm still trying to catch up after some recent hospitalizations, there will be no new jokes while the super storm rages.  This could be it, kids.

October 14

 Only 69 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In order to provide for greater genetic diversity in our post-disaster society, you men will have to have sex with as many women as possible . . . and vice versa, of course.

October 13

 Only 70 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Just imagine what future archeologists and anthropologists might think about some of those more . . . personal piercings that you young ladies are so fond of.

October 12

 Only 71 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of a global influenza epidemic, I have already filled my hot tub with hand sanitizer.

October 11

 Only 72 shopping days left until the end of the world.  How about this!  An entire album for your post-disaster playlist.  Songs for the End of the World by Rick Springfield. 

October 10

 Only 73 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Excuse me while I say . . . Won’t it be just great when the Detroit Tigers will the last World Series or all time?

October 9

 Only 74 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I’m giving up on the Jetson’s flying cars.  Look’s like we are going to have to settle for our veryu own 2013 Flintstonmobile.

October 8

 Only 75 shopping days left until the end of the world.  As you make the final preparations for your food storage, remember, they don’t have canned bread.

October 7

 Only 76 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Regarding your alcohol stores. . . Remember, beer will not last long.  Good wine, unopened, can maintain its quality for a number of years.  Distilled spirits will last longer than you will.

October 6

 Only 77 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In our lives, we rarely have a chance to make a difference in our world.  But, your day is here.  You have the opportunity to eradicate a menace from our society.  I don’t care what kind of sports equipment you will be keeping for future generations, just get rid of the soccer balls!

October 5

 Only 78 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I recommend you have two rainbarrels.  How don’t care how much you love your sweetie, you do not want to cook with his or her bathwater.

October 4

 Only 79 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another selection for your post-disaster playlist: Boom Boom Out Go the Lights by the Pat Travers Band.

October 3

 Only 80 days left until the end of the world.  Regarding shaving;  I imagine that most men will start sporting beards.  Ladies, that wax won’t last forever.

October 2

 Only 81 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If society reverts to cannibalism, remember, free-range people may be healthier, but all that exercise will make for less tender cutlets.

October 1

 Only 82 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of flood, tie about 50 of those 2-liter soda bottles to your recycling container.  It will make a fine one-person lifeboat.  Be sure to bring 40 days worth of granola bars.

September 30

 Only 83 shopping days left until the end of the world.  All of fellows with experience cooking at the pre-game tailgate parties should just fine.  Just substitute squirrel for pork and ground-just-about-anything for burgers.

September 29

 Only 84 shopping days left until the end of the world.  We’ll be holding post-graduate classes in Life After Catastrophe.  All you will need in study materials in any season-long DVD collection of “Survivor”.

September 28

 Only 85 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Look at the bright side.  We are going to miss out on the postage stamp increase.

September 27

 Only 86 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-catastrophe playlist:  What Is and What Will Never Be by Led Zeppelin.

September 26

 Only 87 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you living on the East Coast should be aware of a big Monopoly tournament to be held in Altantic City.  Bring your walking shoes, we’ll be playing on the actual streets.  Dibs on the scottie dog.

September 25

 Only 88 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s not too late to gather up some seeds for next Spring.  Make a list of what you would like on your table; corn, green beans, carrots, potatoes.  And don’t forget your lawn.  Put aside of big plastic bag of your grass seed.

September 24

 Only 89 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.  If you plan on seeing, telling time, playing Tetris, or enjoying waves of orgasmic delight, you are going to need lots of betteries.

September 23

 Only 90 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Because of the impending catastrophe, I will not be sending out Christmas gifts this year.  However, if you do not believe in the Mayan prediction, I expect you to still buy something nice for me.  Thanks in advance.

September 22

 Only 91 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning on becoming a nomad, you might want to swing by your grocery store parking lot and pick up a stray shopping cart.  Hey, thousands of bag ladies can’t be wrong.

September 21

 Only 92 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you plan on riding a horse to get around, better hurry to get your gear.  I couldn’t find a single saddle at Target.

September 20

 Only 93 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  “One of Us” by Joan Osborne.  What if God was one of us?  We’ll find out soon enough.

September 19

 Only 94 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Are you looking for a good used bicycle for your post-disaster transportation?  Call Lance Armstrong.  He’s not using all of his anymore.

September 18

 Only 95 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Unless you have a cow, you better get used to drinking your coffee black.

September 17

Only 96 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I hope you have stashed away plenty of lubricant.  And some motor oil, in case you find a car that works.

September 16

 Only 97 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Make sure you cook your wild pigs until there are well done.  There is a reason that Moses wouldn’t let the Israelites eat pork in the desert.

September 15

 Only 98 days left until the end of the world.  This might be a good time to become a vegan.  Peapods don’t run nearly as fast as an elk.

September 14

 Only 99 shopping days left until the end of the world.  As you collect firewood; remember, the most expensive furniture burn best.

September 13

 Only 100 shopping days left until the end of the world.  One more for your post-civilization playlist:  Alley Oop by the Hollywood Argyles.

September 12

 Only 101 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another use for your old cell phone:  paperweight.  You know, to keep all of your important papers from . . . oh, yeah . . . never mind.

September 11

 Only 102 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t get too depressed.  You won’t have to watch The View anymore.

September 10

 Only 103 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Do you still have your old flip phone?  It will make an excellend boomerang to bring down some tasty robins and starlings.

September 9

Only 104 shopping days left until the end of the world.  There is still time to plan for the good life.  If you have your post-disaster hovel picked out, start looking for a summer seaside cave.

September 8

 Only 105 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Have you seen all of the no-money-down car deals? Do I have to spell it out?

September 7

 Only 106 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Have you been saving your used cooking oil?  If so, you can make your own biodiesel fuel.  Don’t ask me how, it’s probably on the internet.

September 6

 Only 107 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-apocalyptical playlist: If I Could Turn Back Time by the incomparable Cher.

September 5

 Only 108 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Attention Apocalyple Soon fans;  Boycott The NBC television program, the Revolution!  They are stealing all of our stuff.

September 4

 Only 109 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of zombie attack; conventional wisdom is to destroy the head or separate it from the body.  I prefer to shoot off a leg.  I like to watch them crawl around in a circle.

September 3

 Only 110 shopping days left until the end of the world.  On a recent episode of Family Feud:  What do you think you will miss most? 
5 – McDonalds
4 – Hot Pockets
3 – Washing machines
2 – Cars
1 – Toilet paper.

September 2

 Only 111 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of alien invasion:  Stock up on analgenics for post-probe discomfort.

September 1

 Only 112 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Buy a slingshot.  You will run out of bullets, but there will always be plenty of rocks laying around.  (or it is lying?) (or lieing?)

August 31

 Only 113 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Attention college football fans.  This will be your last chance to see your beloved ____________ defeat the hated ____________.  Make it count, boys.

August 30

 Only 114 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another selection for your post- disaster playlist:  The Twelfth of Never by Johnny Mathis.

August 29

 Only 115 shopping days left until the end of the world.  As we enter hunting season, it would be a good idea to get some practice in.  Just remember, the animals don’t wear orange.

August 28

 Only 116 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Today’s poll question:  What will you miss more?  MSNBC or Fox News.

August 27

 Only 117 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Today’s poll question:  What would you rather hoard?  Food or toilet paper.

August 26

 Only 118 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Everyone thought the “cat lady” was crazy, but she won’t go hungry, will she?

August 25

Only 119 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If might be a good idea to learn how to cook . . . something.

August 24

 Only 120 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t bother picking up a copy of the 2013 Farmers Almanac.  But if you can find a copy of the Mayan Almanac, grab it.

August 23

 Only 121 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Make sure that your cave has an mailbox approved my the United States Postal Service.  You don’t want to miss out on your weekly coupons.

August 22

 Only 122 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In order to survive, it is time to start making some difficult decisions.  Can Grandma still make her famous chicken soup?  If not, kick her to the curb.

August 21

 Only 123 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Plan ahead.  The EPA rates donkeys with the highest fuel efficiency (miles per bale of hay or MPB) and oxen with the lowest.

August 20

 Only 124 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If the North and South Poles switch, all of our roadside and storefront signs will be upside down.  So don’t mistake McDoland’s for Wendy’s.

August 19

 Only 125 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If the Mayans were right, these will be the last political conventions.  At last, some good news.
 

August 18

 Only 126 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another selection for your post-disaster playlist:  In I Had Dominion Over Judgment Day, a great old Robert Johnson tune recorded by Eric Clapton.

August 17

 Only 127 shopping days left until the end of the world.  The appliance stores are holding their clearance sales.  Buy a refrigerator.  Save the box and the foam packing.  You never know.

August 16

 Only 128 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If the ride to work seems less congested lately, it is probably not due to the “essential” people escaping on the Space Ark.  I thing they are all just sleeping in.

August 15

 Only 129 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Consider a mutant cockroach as a pet.  It is not as cuddly as a puppy but it won’t shed

August 14

 Only 130 shopping days left until the end of the year.  As we enter hunter season, it might be a good idea to get in a little practice.  Just remember, no animals are colored day-glo orange.

August 13

 Only 131 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you in the tropical climates, stockpile lots of coconuts and pineapples.  They are tasty.  They could make good weapons.  And you could use them to make a nifty bowling alley.

August 12

 Only 132 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It might be a good idea to stock pile from Viagara or Cialis.  And pick up a couple of free standing bathtubs.

August 11

 Only 133 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disasterplaylist:  All I Need is a Miracle by Mike and the Mechanics.

August 10

 Only 134 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For those of you considering cannibalism, remember these two simple rules.  The slender and athletic people will have less fat, and therefore less flavor.  And they are harder to catch.

August 9

 Only 135 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s a post-disaster real estate tip:  Caves with wall paintings my Frank Miller will likely appreciate at an accelerated rate.

August 8

 Only 136 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Stock up on balloons.  Your big-screen TV might run on static electricity.

August 7

Only 128 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Why did they use such a big rocket to launch that tiny Mars rover, and where are all of the computer technicians that used to populate Best Buy?

August 6

Only 138 shopping days left until the end of the world.  When setting up your bathroom facility, remember these two important rules.  It should be close enough to be convenient.  It also should be far enough away to be forgotten.

August 5

 Only 139 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t bother saving cake mixes.  You won’t have an oven or any eggs.  But, load up on frosting!  It has 1,000 uses.

August 4

Only 140 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your Post-Disaster Playlist:  (in case of flood)  Higher Ground by Stevie Wonder and When the Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin.

August 3

 Only 141 shopping days left until the end of the world  Good news, everyone!  The upcoming food shortages will cure eating disorders.

August 1

 Only 143 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Post-Disaster Diet and Exercise Program:  1.  Chase and catch some animal.  2. Kill it.  3.  Butcher it.  4.  Chase and catch the predator that stole it.  5.  Fall asleep exhausted.  6.  Repeat daily.

July 31

 Only 144 shopping days until the end of the world.  In case of walking mutant crabgrass, a 55-gallon drum of Roundup would be a good idea.

July 30

 Only 145 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Have you got Olympic Fever?  Start training nor for the 2016 Decathalon.  1 – Running from big things.  2 – Jumping for obstacales. 3 – Running and jumping. 4 – Climbing trees.  5 – Homemade archery.  6 – Swimming from big fish.  7 – Throwing rocks.  8 – Fire starting.  9 – Stick fighting.  10 – Rythmic gymnastics.

July 29

 Only 146 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Get a bow and some arrows and practice.  If a legally blind athlete can compete in the Olympics, then you can probably hit a giant mutant squirrel.  Good eatin’

July 28

 Only 147 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  The Last Waltz by the Band and friends.

July 27

 Only 148 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Arriving in stores just in time for your Post-graduate seminars in survival training, the DVD collection of the Flintstones.  Who knew that Hanna and Barbera were such visionaries?

July 25

 Only 150 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you don’t have a cow, eliminate the middleman.  Put grass on your morning cereal.

July 24

 Only 151 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of flood, if you see someone building a big boat, ask him or her to please leave the cockroaches behind.

July 24

 Only 152 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Post-Disaster Career Tip:  Ethanol production and distribution.  All you need is corn, sugar beets, water and a distilling apparatus. And a big stock Dodge (Johnson County Sheriff painted on the side.)

July 22

 Only 153 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of alien invasion, burn all copies of Grey’s Anatomy.  We don’t want the aliens to know where our hearts are.  The TEXTBOOKS!  Not the DVDs.  Although, we don’t want them to steal our national treasure, Sandra Oh.

July 21

 Only 153 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  The Last Resort by the Eagles.

July 20

 Only 154 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s garage sale season.  Now it the time to pick up books cheap.  Set two books on fire and you can cook an entire pot of beans.  (And if it’s a Stephen King book, you only need one.)

July 19

 Only 155 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s garage sale season.  Sorry, music lovers, it’s time to get rid of your records and CDs.  Let’s hope you can make your iPod run on static electricity.  (Private note to Greg:  For the last time, those 8-tracks are not going to make a comeback.)

July 18

 Only 156 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s garage sale season.  Time to trade in your formal wear for some foul-weather gear.  Sorry, kids.  No more cotillions.

July 17

 Only 157 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s garage sale season.  Sell you artwork.  You don’t want your Picassos and your Pollocks in your hovel.  Just remember, nodody is buying those paintings of the kids with big eyes or of the dogs playing poker.

July 16

 Only 158 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s garage sale season!  Time to unload unnecessary items like TVs, stereos, electric can openers to buy canned food and manual can openers.

July 15

 Only 159 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For all you college students:  Unless you are graduating before December, take your last tuition payment and have some end-of-the-world fun.  (Except for my nephews.  Stay in school, boys.)

July 14

 Only 160 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Post-Disaster Playlist:  “In the Year 2525” by Zager and Evans.

July 13

 Only 161 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Sorry, no entry on Friday the Thirteenth.  I spend the day under the bed.

July 12

 Only 162 shopping days left until the end of the world.  You might want to squirrel awau some extra shoes. I recommend New Balance.* 

*Dr. MacArthur is not a paid spokesman for New Balance, but he would really like to be one before the end of the year.

July 11

July 11 – Only 163 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s not to late to attend the last San Diego Comic Con.  You won’t have anywhere to wear your homemade Iron Man costume next year.

July 10

 Only 164 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Need a short-term job?  Want to be your own boss?  Become a football bet solicitor (bookie).  If you only accept bets on the Super Bowl, you won’t have to pay anybody back.

July 9

 Only 165 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Travel Tip:  move to Kentucky.  There will be horses to ride, tobacco to smoke, and all that bourbon stored in the aging barrels.

July 8

 Only 166 shopping days left until the end of the world.  More good news!  When California slides into the ocean, it will take most of those pesky Scientologists with it.

July 7

 Only 167 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Good news!  The Rolling Stones will probably still be touring well into the post-apocalyptic age.  If the drugs didn’t kill them, what’s a little natural disaster going to do.

July 6

 Only 168 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s your post-disaster recommended food groups:  Plants, Animals that you can catch, and Animals that can catch you.  Plan accordingly.

July 5

 Only 169 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I don’t know about you, but I do pray to God.  I am also praying to that thing in the French/Swiss supercollider.  Can’t hurt to hedge my bets.

July 4

July 4 – Only 170 shopping days left until the end of the world.  So, you like fireworks.  Just wait until the solar flares start.  They will look awesome for the first 92 million miles.

July 3

 Only 171 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you think it is hot now . . . Just wait until the super-volcanos start acting up.  Get extra aloe vera.

July 2

 Only 172 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you find yourself in need of building supplies, you will probably wish you had kept those holiday fruitcakes.

July 1

 Only 173 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you see a group of “people” shuffling around your hovel, grunting and moaning, don’t just assume they are zombies.   They might be your in-laws.  On second thought, shoot first, check IDs later.

June 30

 Only 174 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of alien mind probes, wear aluminum foil inside your hat.  In case of any other alien probing, wear Kevlar underwear.

June 29

 Only 175 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t concern yourself with where in the country you should spend the apocalypse.  If the North and South Poles shift, who knows what kind of climate you’ll be living under.  It will be like Homestead Roulette.

June 28

 Only 176 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Hey, coffee drinkers, ever enjoyed coffee boiled over a open flame.  I have.  I’m switching to tea.

June 27

 Only 177 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If your elderly family members are missing some morning, check the remains of your nearest McDonalds.  Old habits die hard.

June 26

 Only 178 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I don’t care if you live in Denver, Colorado or in Death Valley, it might be a good idea to invest in a boat.

June 25

 Only 179 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you urinate regulary around the entrance to your shelter, you will keep unwanted small vermin and insects away.  It will also discourage visits from your neighbors.

June 24

 Only 180 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Please ignore yesterday’s message.  April Fools!

June 23

 Only 181 shopping days left until the end of the world.  [TO BE ENCODED]  Those of you with the blue tickets for the government’s space ark must report to Remington, New Mexico on July 19^th.  This will be your only notice. [END ENCODING]

June 22

 Only 182 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Can ‘t live without your sweets?  Get a bee hive!  (And somebody stupid enough to harvest your honey.)

June 21

 Only 183 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t fall for that solar-powered insect control system that is advertised on late night television.  What you get is a 6-inch magnifying glass.

June 20

 Only 184 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Think bigamy.  The average post-Armageddon household should have a hunter, butcher, carpenter/mason, horticulturist and nurse. 

June 19

 Only 185 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Start hitting the garage sales.  Look for Lego building blocks.  Some guy in Sweden built a 3-story house.

June 18

 Only 186 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you get a dog, you will have an early warning security system for your cave.  If the dog starts to bark, you know that something is moving toward you.  When the dog stops barking, you know that it is close.

June 17

 Only 187 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Scientists have discovered that the propensity for Americans to be overweight has thrown the planet off its axis.  So to avert tragedy, everybody order the Brazillian Butt Lift today!

June 16

 Only 188 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are a late sleeper, don’t move into an abandoned shopping mall.  Those elderly mall walkers show up early and might expect you to make coffee.

June 15

 Only 189 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Better get a portable toilet.  In the dogs take over, guess who will be pooping outside.

June 14

 Only 190 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Go to a dental supply company and buy some of those lead vests that the dental assistants wear while you get an x-ray.  Make them into a suit.  In case of nuclear holocaust, wear the suit and you will survive, along with all of those dental assistants.

June 13

 Only 191 shoppiing days left until the end of the world.  Now would be a great time to join a book or DVD club.  Get all the free ones now with no need to buy more later.

June 12

 Only 192 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you think you will want to liven up your dreary cave walls, pick up some Super-Gloss latex stone wall paint.  Just light a small fire and your cave will be dazzling.

June 11

 Only 193 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember, capri pants won’t help in a flash flood.

June 10

 Only 194 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I hope you have been watching that cable TV show about surviving after the catastrophe:  Moonshiners.

June 9

 Only 195 shopping days left until the end of the world.  You are going to need some kind of spray repellent for giant mutant mosquitos.  Yeah, I haven’t seen it in any stores, either.

June 8

 Only 196 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Ladies, stock up on canned pineapple juice.  If you don’t know why, you probably don’t need it.

June 7

 Only 197 shopping days left tunil the end of the world.  Register to vote!  Just because the world is coming to and end, there is no excuse for political apathy.

June 6

 Only 198 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Retailers are now offering post-disaster tanning beds.  We used to call them beach towels.

June 5

 Only 199 shopping days left until the end of the world.  All of you former Boy and Girl Scouts, brush up on your semaphore skills.  Think of it as phoneless texting.

June 4

 Only 200 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Good news!  We may be able to prevent the cataclysm.  My friend, Nostradamus Murphy, an oracle and part-time security guard, claims that the concentration of negative energy in our atmosphere can be offset by a greater outpouring of positive energy.  This could be achieved if millions of people around the world were to visit this blog on a daily basis (what a coincidence!).  So tells your friends and neighbors, your co-workers and families, and especially the homeless who access the internet at the public library.  Read a blog, save a world.

June 3

 Only 201 shopping days left until the end of the world.  As you stockpile your food for next year, for the love of God, throw away the anchovies!

June 2

Only 202 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another suggestion for your post-apocalyptic playlist:  Don’t Fear the Reaper by the thinking-man’s heavy metal band, the Blue Oyster Cult.

June 1

Only 203 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Tops on your survival list should be a little pot and something to cook in.

May 31

 Only 204 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s a joke that you can tell around the firepit next year:  A man orders soup at a roadside stand.  After receiving his repast, he calls the proprietor over and says, “There’s a fly in my soup.”  The proprietor says, “I’m very sorry.  That will be an extra half of a beaver pelt.”

May 30

 Only 205 shopping days left until the end of the world.  3M Corporation’s bio-engineering group is introducing a cross between Velcro (brand) and fur-bearing animals.  So, your fashional winter clothing will be just a zip away.

May 29

 Only 206 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t worry about the Facebook stock offering.  The only stock you should be buying is livestock.

May 28

 Only 207 shopping days left until the end of the world.  What is your post-disaster cocktail of choice?  I suggest the Bloody Mary.  You can grow your own tomatoes and celery; and you can make vodka out of just about anything.  See Making Vodka Out of Just About Anything for Dummies.

May 27

 Only 208 shopping days left until the end of the world.  So you want to be a subsistence farmer, huh.  Well, you can raise laying hens and pigs, you can make your own bread from your wheat crop, but when is the last time you saw a coffee farm in the Midwest?  You didn’t even make it through breakfast.

May 26

 Only 209 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s one for your post-apocalyptic playlist:  The End of the World by Skeeter Davis or Herman’s Hermits or John Mellencamp or Nina Gordon, et al.

May 25

 Only 210 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I hope you are hitting the garage sales.  Somebody in Oregon has built a full-sized, three-bedroom house completely out of Lincoln Logs. 

May 24

 Only 211 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another post-disaster recipe:  Robin Egg Omelet.  First gather 20 Robin eggs. . .

May 23

 Only 212 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Save your plastic water bottles and stock up on food coloring.  You could single-handedly revive the olde patent medicine trade.

May 22

 Only 213 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s time to make a choice:  Learn to sew or become a nudist.

May 21

 Only 214 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Transfer your favorite digital photographs to prints.  You’ll be surprised how fast a cave can be cleared of unwanted friends and relatives by pulling out the vacation photos.

May 20

 Only 215 shopping days left until the end of the world.  You better pick up some decks of playing cards.  Believe it or not, people played solitaire before the advent of Microsoft Windows.

May 19

 Only 216 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember how much you hated those “pioneer village” recreations that you you were dragged to by your parents.  I bet you will wish you had paid better attention.

May 18

 Only 217 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning to take up archery to put food on the table, you should know that (oddly enough) Target does not sell bows and arrows.

May 17

 Only 218 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you who have frozen loved ones awaiting a future cure better stand by with a stationary bike hooked up to a generator.  Bring your own carbs.

May 16

 Only 219 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Speaking of sleeping outside, better get some mosquito netting.  

May 15

 Only 220 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Pick up bus stop bench.  I hear that they are quite comfortable for sleeping outside.

May 14

 Only 221 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning to make a living as a trapper of aquatic mammals, don’t make a big sign that reads, “Fresh Beaver for Sale”. 

May 13

 Only 222 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you want to prepare for any remedies you might need for any future ailments, you will need to build up a pharmacological storehouse.  For example, I planted a Vicodin tree.

May 12

 Only 223 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of a nuclear situation, don’t allow yourself to be bitten by a radioactive spider.  Try for a radioactive falcon or a radioactive cheetah.

May 11

 Only 224 shopping days felt until the end of the world.  You might want to move away from any Disney parks.  A electro-magnetic pulse might bring the animatronic figures to life.  You don’t want Abe Lincoln getting all rail-splitter on your ass.

May 10

 Only 225 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you think you will need shoes next year, you better adopt some Asian kids soon.

May 9

 Only 226 shopping days left until the end of the world.  One reader asked, “Where will I get maple syrup for my morning pancakes”.  A more important question should be, “Where will I get my morning pancakes?”

May 8

 Only 227 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning on growing your own food and are looking for information, good luck.  I checked the bookstore, there is no “Farming for Dummies”.

May 7

  Only 228 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Want to liven up your post-disaster meal times?  Play “Dinner Roulette”.  Just remove all of the labels from your hoard of canned food.

May 6

 Only 229 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you can train squirrels to ride on dogs, you can hold a decent Kentucky Derby substitute.  Plant your mint now.  Bring your own flowery hat.

May 5

 Only 330 shopping days left until the end of the world. If you didn’t stash away enough Corona beer for Cinco de Mayo, just take any beer and dilute it by half.  Bring your own limes.

May the 4th

 Only 231 shopping days left until the end of the world.  My cousin, Ira, will be presenting the entire Star Wars saga using only action figures.  If anyone has a Boba Fett, please contact me here.  May the 4^th be with you.  Bring your own nerd.

May 3

 Only 232 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Got grey hair?  Dye it!  The old people will be the first ones fed to the giant mutant beargators.

May 2

 Only 233 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of solar flares, apply sunscreen (SPF 1000) liberally.  Even you Republicans.

May 1

Only 234 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t throw out your 2012 calendars.  They will be usable again in 2044.

April 30

 Only 235 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Ladies, if you are not pregnant, you should start practicing safe sex.  If not you might find yourself in post-apocalyptic labor.

April 29

Only 235 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Ladies, if you are not pregnant, you should start practicing safe sex.  If not you might find yourself in post-apocalyptic labor.

April 29

Only 236 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you see a roadside stand offering “Chilly Dogs with Catsoup”, don’t assume it’s a spelling mistake.

April 28

Only 237 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember books.  Better get reacquainted.

April 27

Only 238 shoping days left until the end of the world.  If you need your morning coffee, you better find someone to keep the fire going all night.