December 22

Well, it looks like we made it.  Anybody need some cases of Beefaroni?

December 21

 Your last shopping day until the end of the world.  I don’t know about all of you, but I am going to spend the last day watching Milla Jovovich movies on my DVR.

December 20

 Only 2 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I hope that you like stone-washed jeans.  After a while, that will be the only kind that most of us will have.

December 19

 Only 3 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Your used Christmas tree will make excellend firewood.  And the plastic ones make pretty colors while burning.

December 18

 Only 4 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I think you can quit recycling.

December 17

 Only 5 shopping days left until the end of the world. Here’s a tip:  You can use the Christmas lights from your neighbors’ abandoned houses to snare squirrels or gazelles.

December 16

 Only 6 shopping days left until the end of the world.  One last suggestion for your post-apocalyptic playlist:  (This Could Be) The Last Time by the immortal Rolling Stones.

December 15

 Only 7 shopping days left until the end of the world.  At least the seventh season of Futurama came out on DVD before the big calamity.

December 14

 Only 8 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Sign up now for TCNN – the Town Crier News Network!  In return for a place to sleep and a few meals, a professional news reporter will stand outside of your cave and announce breaking news.  I understand that Anderson Cooper is still available.

December 13

 Only 9 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It is not too late to join the Army.  They’ll give you a place to sleep, plenty of MREs (meals-ready-to-eat) and weapons.  Who could ask for more.

December 11

 Only 11 shopping days until the end of the world.  Contrary to what you may have read in the popular press (bleedingcool.com), tomorrow is not the end of the world.  The Mayans predicted this day centuries before Pope Gregory determined that next week Saturday would be the last day on Earth.

December 10

 Only 12 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those Mayans were crafty.  They knew that the premiere of the Hobbit movie would cause those once-gentle halflings to rise up from their hiding places and demonstrate their displeasure with the film with a worldwide campaign of murder and destruction.  Or not.

December 9

Only 13 shopping days left until the end of the world. Hook up an electrical generator to your exercise bicycle.  Then you can use the microwave to make a batch of loaded nachos.

December 8

 Only 14 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I just realized that with you ladies hanging your laundry outside to dry, it will be a lot easier to add to my lacy underwear collection.

December 7

 Only 15 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are running out of room in your doomsday safe house, get rid of the treadmill.  Finding a place to walk won’t be a problem.

December 6

 Only 16 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you suffer from a chronic, debilitating disease such as near-sightedness, move to California.  They have a head start on the personal pharmacology industry.

December 5

 Only 17 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of fiscal cliff, have a fiscal parachute ready.

 

December 4

 Only 18 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If your Mother did not throw out your comics books and baseball cards, congratulations!  You won’t have any trouble starting a fire.

December 3

 Only 19 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Your grocery store is a great place to pick up some super-cheap, long-lasting building materials:  fruitcake!

December 2

 Only 20 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Hurry down to the payday loan places and borrow the max to be paid back on December 23^rd.  Then load up on as many cans of lima beans that you can find.  That’ll show ‘em.*

*Please note:  Dr. MacArthur is a lunatic.  Do not try this at home. – The Legal Department

December 1

 Only 21 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t wait until the last minute.  My “The End is Near” posters won’t be ready until December 23.

November 30

 Only 22 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you who have stockpiled some shusi, make sure to cook it thoroughly.