November 29

 Only 23 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Got a sweet tooth?  Load up on M & Ms.  They melt in your mouth, not in your cave.

November 28

 Only 24 shopping days left until the end of the world.  There is still some room on the space ark for experienced tobacco farmers and moonshiners.  We are willing to bounce some vegetarian chefs to make more room if necessary.

November 27

 Only 25 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  It the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R E M.

November 26

 Only 26 shopping days left until the end of the world.  You can finally take your Star Wars action figures out of the boxes now.

November 25

 Only 27 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Time to prepare for Black Saturday, December 22.  Camp out in front of a store that you think won’t be totally destsroyed so you will be first in line for looting.  100% off!

November 24

 Only 28 shopping days left until the end of the world. I hope you hit the Black Friday sale at your local outdoor shop.  I got 30 percent off on cases or ready-to-eat meals and water purification kits.

November 23

 Only 29 days left until the end of the world.  Here’s my Thanksgiving “to-do” list for next year. Shoot a turkey.  Steal some potatoes, green beans and yams.  Milk someone’s else’s cow.  Make cheese.  Get out mu bread crumb collection. Marry someone who can turn all of this into a meal.  Be thankful that the Detroit Lions did not lose their Thanksgiving game.

November 22

 Only 30 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I know that many of you enjoyed some wild turkey over the holiday.  I hope that you saved a few bottles for next year.

November 21

 Only 31 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t bother buying any Powerball tickets.  Buy Hostess cupcakes instead.

November 20

 Only 32 shopping days  left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  Save the Last Dance for Me by the Drifters.

November 19

 Only 33 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I understand about global warming, the celestial alignment, the polar shift, but how did the Mayans know the the demise of the Twinkie snack cake would lead to world-wide chaos.

November 18

 Only34 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It is worth repeating:  It is not too late to order your copy of the Bob Ross Joy of Cave Painting course. 

November 17

 Only 35 shopping days left until the end of the world.  To all of you former Girl Scouts:  I am sure that you all have your sitapons, but remember you can’t live forever on s’mores.

November 16

 Only 36 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s the spices you will need for your wild game dishes.  Get coriander and cumin for squirrels, oregano and fennel for pigeon and lemon pepper for tropical fish.

November 15

 37 shopping days left until the end of the world.  What are you doing sitting around reading this.  For the sake of everything holy:  Go out and load up on Twinkies!

November 14

 Only 38 shopping days left until the end of the world.  A note to all of you “Back to Nature” folks:  Remember “nature” includes critters like rats, fleas and mosquitos.  I plan on having pleanty of D-Con, Raid and Off on hand.

November 13

 Only 39 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  Last Dance by Donna Summer.

November 12

 Only 40 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of alien invasion, team up with former U.S. governors like Arnold Swartzenegger and Jesse Ventura, and not like George W. Bush and Mitt Romney.

November 11

 Only 41 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Make sure that you know the difference between upwind and downwind before you construct your outhouse.

November 10

 Only 42 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember, roasting helps your nuts last longer.  That’s not what I meant.

November 9

 Only 43 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If somebody could just crossbreed a rabbit with a cow, we’ll have no hunger problems.  Just waste disposal challenges.

November 8

 Only 44 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are attacked by a wild animal, perhaps a bear, run!  Remember you don’t have to outrun the bear.  You just have to outrun one other person.*

*The old jokes are the best.

November 7

 Only 45 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of ice age, move south.  In case of solar flares, move north.  How to choose?  Flip a coin.

November 6

 Only 46 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For you post-disaster playlist:  Last Kiss by J. Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers, and of course, Pearl Jam.

November 5

 Only 47 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Would you like some reindeer steaks? Set up a hunting blind where your chimney used to be.

November 4

 Only 48 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I think that I speak for all Star Wars fans when I say:  “Now, you want to make three more movies?”

November 3

 Only 49 shopping days left until the end of the world.  How much alcohol should you stockpile?  Concentrate on spirits.  Beer won’t last long, and wine must be stored in a cool dry place.  Calculate your life expectancy and get one gallon for every week you intend to live . . . Forget it, you just can’t have too much booze.

November 2

 Only 50 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s a tip for your budding entrepreneurs.  Find a roast roadkill stand.  Set up a toothbrush counter down the street.

November 1

 Only 51 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Just three words:  Buffalo Pigeon Wings.

October 31

 Only 52 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember folks, you can’t plant the candy corn.

October 30

 Only 53 shopping days left until the end of the world.  The bad news:  our taxes are probably going up next year.  The good news:  there will be no one to collect them.

October 29

 Only 54 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Unlike an invitation to be honored by the Friars’ Club, a group of professional comedians; an offer to be roasted by the Cannibals’ Club should not be RSSPed.

October 28

 Only 55 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It has been suggested that the Mayans are actually predicting the Rapture, when God will call his faithful to their eternal reward.  If so, we’ll miss you.

October 27

 Only 56 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Available soon at the App Store:  Caller ID for your semaphore flags.*

*Extra credit if you know what semaphore flags are.

October 26

 Only 57 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Be prepared!  In case of a shift of the Earth’s magnetic poles, you may have to flip the batteries in your flashlight.

October 25

 Only 58 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s is not to lage to stock up on canned Brussels sprouts.  You will need something inedible for use as target practice.

October 24

 Only 59 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s an entrepreneurial idea for those of you betting on an ice age.  Start sending hockey equipment from Canada to Mexico. 

October 23

 Only 60 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I still remember how the neighbors laughed at my father when he dug our bomb shelter in the Fifties.  Now, if I could just remember where it is.

October 22

 Only 61 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If your Grandmother can make her biscuits over an open fire, please give her my number.

October 21

 Only 62 shopping days left until the end of the world.  On the bright side, I’m looking forward to the level of Sausage McMuffins in my blood stream to go down.

October 20

 Only 63 shopping days left until the end of the world.  At least we’ll have one last Bond movie. 

October 19

 Only 64 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Send some money to the Red Cross for those folks on the East Coast.  That could have been us.  And in just 64 days, it will be us.  What are you going to do with all that precious money then?

October 18

 Only 65 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-apocalyptic playlist:  Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival.