October 17

 Only 66 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Good news for all of you snow lovers.  The 2014 Winter Olympics are now scheduled for Mexico City.  See you there!

October 16

 Only 67 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Things might not be so bad after all.  I saw some Mayans setting up a 2013 calendar stand by the food court at the mall. 

October 15

 Only 68 days left until the end of the world.  My neighbor has trained cockroaches to race around in a big oval.  He’s painted numbers on their backs and is entertaining sponsorships for next year. 

Compiler's note

While I'm still trying to catch up after some recent hospitalizations, there will be no new jokes while the super storm rages.  This could be it, kids.

October 14

 Only 69 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In order to provide for greater genetic diversity in our post-disaster society, you men will have to have sex with as many women as possible . . . and vice versa, of course.

October 13

 Only 70 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Just imagine what future archeologists and anthropologists might think about some of those more . . . personal piercings that you young ladies are so fond of.

October 12

 Only 71 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of a global influenza epidemic, I have already filled my hot tub with hand sanitizer.

October 11

 Only 72 shopping days left until the end of the world.  How about this!  An entire album for your post-disaster playlist.  Songs for the End of the World by Rick Springfield. 

October 10

 Only 73 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Excuse me while I say . . . Won’t it be just great when the Detroit Tigers will the last World Series or all time?

October 9

 Only 74 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I’m giving up on the Jetson’s flying cars.  Look’s like we are going to have to settle for our veryu own 2013 Flintstonmobile.

October 8

 Only 75 shopping days left until the end of the world.  As you make the final preparations for your food storage, remember, they don’t have canned bread.

October 7

 Only 76 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Regarding your alcohol stores. . . Remember, beer will not last long.  Good wine, unopened, can maintain its quality for a number of years.  Distilled spirits will last longer than you will.

October 6

 Only 77 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In our lives, we rarely have a chance to make a difference in our world.  But, your day is here.  You have the opportunity to eradicate a menace from our society.  I don’t care what kind of sports equipment you will be keeping for future generations, just get rid of the soccer balls!

October 5

 Only 78 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I recommend you have two rainbarrels.  How don’t care how much you love your sweetie, you do not want to cook with his or her bathwater.

October 4

 Only 79 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another selection for your post-disaster playlist: Boom Boom Out Go the Lights by the Pat Travers Band.

October 3

 Only 80 days left until the end of the world.  Regarding shaving;  I imagine that most men will start sporting beards.  Ladies, that wax won’t last forever.

October 2

 Only 81 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If society reverts to cannibalism, remember, free-range people may be healthier, but all that exercise will make for less tender cutlets.

October 1

 Only 82 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of flood, tie about 50 of those 2-liter soda bottles to your recycling container.  It will make a fine one-person lifeboat.  Be sure to bring 40 days worth of granola bars.

September 30

 Only 83 shopping days left until the end of the world.  All of fellows with experience cooking at the pre-game tailgate parties should just fine.  Just substitute squirrel for pork and ground-just-about-anything for burgers.

September 29

 Only 84 shopping days left until the end of the world.  We’ll be holding post-graduate classes in Life After Catastrophe.  All you will need in study materials in any season-long DVD collection of “Survivor”.

September 28

 Only 85 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Look at the bright side.  We are going to miss out on the postage stamp increase.

September 27

 Only 86 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-catastrophe playlist:  What Is and What Will Never Be by Led Zeppelin.

September 26

 Only 87 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you living on the East Coast should be aware of a big Monopoly tournament to be held in Altantic City.  Bring your walking shoes, we’ll be playing on the actual streets.  Dibs on the scottie dog.

September 25

 Only 88 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s not too late to gather up some seeds for next Spring.  Make a list of what you would like on your table; corn, green beans, carrots, potatoes.  And don’t forget your lawn.  Put aside of big plastic bag of your grass seed.

September 24

 Only 89 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.  If you plan on seeing, telling time, playing Tetris, or enjoying waves of orgasmic delight, you are going to need lots of betteries.

September 23

 Only 90 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Because of the impending catastrophe, I will not be sending out Christmas gifts this year.  However, if you do not believe in the Mayan prediction, I expect you to still buy something nice for me.  Thanks in advance.

September 22

 Only 91 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning on becoming a nomad, you might want to swing by your grocery store parking lot and pick up a stray shopping cart.  Hey, thousands of bag ladies can’t be wrong.

September 21

 Only 92 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you plan on riding a horse to get around, better hurry to get your gear.  I couldn’t find a single saddle at Target.

September 20

 Only 93 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disaster playlist:  “One of Us” by Joan Osborne.  What if God was one of us?  We’ll find out soon enough.

September 19

 Only 94 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Are you looking for a good used bicycle for your post-disaster transportation?  Call Lance Armstrong.  He’s not using all of his anymore.

September 18

 Only 95 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Unless you have a cow, you better get used to drinking your coffee black.

September 17

Only 96 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I hope you have stashed away plenty of lubricant.  And some motor oil, in case you find a car that works.

September 16

 Only 97 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Make sure you cook your wild pigs until there are well done.  There is a reason that Moses wouldn’t let the Israelites eat pork in the desert.

September 15

 Only 98 days left until the end of the world.  This might be a good time to become a vegan.  Peapods don’t run nearly as fast as an elk.

September 14

 Only 99 shopping days left until the end of the world.  As you collect firewood; remember, the most expensive furniture burn best.

September 13

 Only 100 shopping days left until the end of the world.  One more for your post-civilization playlist:  Alley Oop by the Hollywood Argyles.

September 12

 Only 101 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another use for your old cell phone:  paperweight.  You know, to keep all of your important papers from . . . oh, yeah . . . never mind.

September 11

 Only 102 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t get too depressed.  You won’t have to watch The View anymore.