August 21

 Only 123 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Plan ahead.  The EPA rates donkeys with the highest fuel efficiency (miles per bale of hay or MPB) and oxen with the lowest.

August 20

 Only 124 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If the North and South Poles switch, all of our roadside and storefront signs will be upside down.  So don’t mistake McDoland’s for Wendy’s.

August 19

 Only 125 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If the Mayans were right, these will be the last political conventions.  At last, some good news.
 

August 18

 Only 126 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another selection for your post-disaster playlist:  In I Had Dominion Over Judgment Day, a great old Robert Johnson tune recorded by Eric Clapton.

August 17

 Only 127 shopping days left until the end of the world.  The appliance stores are holding their clearance sales.  Buy a refrigerator.  Save the box and the foam packing.  You never know.

August 16

 Only 128 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If the ride to work seems less congested lately, it is probably not due to the “essential” people escaping on the Space Ark.  I thing they are all just sleeping in.

August 15

 Only 129 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Consider a mutant cockroach as a pet.  It is not as cuddly as a puppy but it won’t shed

August 14

 Only 130 shopping days left until the end of the year.  As we enter hunter season, it might be a good idea to get in a little practice.  Just remember, no animals are colored day-glo orange.

August 13

 Only 131 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you in the tropical climates, stockpile lots of coconuts and pineapples.  They are tasty.  They could make good weapons.  And you could use them to make a nifty bowling alley.

August 12

 Only 132 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It might be a good idea to stock pile from Viagara or Cialis.  And pick up a couple of free standing bathtubs.

August 11

 Only 133 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your post-disasterplaylist:  All I Need is a Miracle by Mike and the Mechanics.

August 10

 Only 134 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For those of you considering cannibalism, remember these two simple rules.  The slender and athletic people will have less fat, and therefore less flavor.  And they are harder to catch.

August 9

 Only 135 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s a post-disaster real estate tip:  Caves with wall paintings my Frank Miller will likely appreciate at an accelerated rate.

August 8

 Only 136 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Stock up on balloons.  Your big-screen TV might run on static electricity.

August 7

Only 128 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Why did they use such a big rocket to launch that tiny Mars rover, and where are all of the computer technicians that used to populate Best Buy?

August 6

Only 138 shopping days left until the end of the world.  When setting up your bathroom facility, remember these two important rules.  It should be close enough to be convenient.  It also should be far enough away to be forgotten.

August 5

 Only 139 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t bother saving cake mixes.  You won’t have an oven or any eggs.  But, load up on frosting!  It has 1,000 uses.

August 4

Only 140 shopping days left until the end of the world.  For your Post-Disaster Playlist:  (in case of flood)  Higher Ground by Stevie Wonder and When the Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin.

August 3

 Only 141 shopping days left until the end of the world  Good news, everyone!  The upcoming food shortages will cure eating disorders.

August 1

 Only 143 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Post-Disaster Diet and Exercise Program:  1.  Chase and catch some animal.  2. Kill it.  3.  Butcher it.  4.  Chase and catch the predator that stole it.  5.  Fall asleep exhausted.  6.  Repeat daily.