May 31

 Only 204 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s a joke that you can tell around the firepit next year:  A man orders soup at a roadside stand.  After receiving his repast, he calls the proprietor over and says, “There’s a fly in my soup.”  The proprietor says, “I’m very sorry.  That will be an extra half of a beaver pelt.”

May 30

 Only 205 shopping days left until the end of the world.  3M Corporation’s bio-engineering group is introducing a cross between Velcro (brand) and fur-bearing animals.  So, your fashional winter clothing will be just a zip away.

May 29

 Only 206 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t worry about the Facebook stock offering.  The only stock you should be buying is livestock.

May 28

 Only 207 shopping days left until the end of the world.  What is your post-disaster cocktail of choice?  I suggest the Bloody Mary.  You can grow your own tomatoes and celery; and you can make vodka out of just about anything.  See Making Vodka Out of Just About Anything for Dummies.

May 27

 Only 208 shopping days left until the end of the world.  So you want to be a subsistence farmer, huh.  Well, you can raise laying hens and pigs, you can make your own bread from your wheat crop, but when is the last time you saw a coffee farm in the Midwest?  You didn’t even make it through breakfast.

May 26

 Only 209 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Here’s one for your post-apocalyptic playlist:  The End of the World by Skeeter Davis or Herman’s Hermits or John Mellencamp or Nina Gordon, et al.

May 25

 Only 210 shopping days left until the end of the world.  I hope you are hitting the garage sales.  Somebody in Oregon has built a full-sized, three-bedroom house completely out of Lincoln Logs. 

May 24

 Only 211 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Another post-disaster recipe:  Robin Egg Omelet.  First gather 20 Robin eggs. . .

May 23

 Only 212 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Save your plastic water bottles and stock up on food coloring.  You could single-handedly revive the olde patent medicine trade.

May 22

 Only 213 shopping days left until the end of the world.  It’s time to make a choice:  Learn to sew or become a nudist.

May 21

 Only 214 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Transfer your favorite digital photographs to prints.  You’ll be surprised how fast a cave can be cleared of unwanted friends and relatives by pulling out the vacation photos.

May 20

 Only 215 shopping days left until the end of the world.  You better pick up some decks of playing cards.  Believe it or not, people played solitaire before the advent of Microsoft Windows.

May 19

 Only 216 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember how much you hated those “pioneer village” recreations that you you were dragged to by your parents.  I bet you will wish you had paid better attention.

May 18

 Only 217 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning to take up archery to put food on the table, you should know that (oddly enough) Target does not sell bows and arrows.

May 17

 Only 218 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Those of you who have frozen loved ones awaiting a future cure better stand by with a stationary bike hooked up to a generator.  Bring your own carbs.

May 16

 Only 219 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Speaking of sleeping outside, better get some mosquito netting.  

May 15

 Only 220 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Pick up bus stop bench.  I hear that they are quite comfortable for sleeping outside.

May 14

 Only 221 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning to make a living as a trapper of aquatic mammals, don’t make a big sign that reads, “Fresh Beaver for Sale”. 

May 13

 Only 222 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you want to prepare for any remedies you might need for any future ailments, you will need to build up a pharmacological storehouse.  For example, I planted a Vicodin tree.

May 12

 Only 223 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of a nuclear situation, don’t allow yourself to be bitten by a radioactive spider.  Try for a radioactive falcon or a radioactive cheetah.

May 11

 Only 224 shopping days felt until the end of the world.  You might want to move away from any Disney parks.  A electro-magnetic pulse might bring the animatronic figures to life.  You don’t want Abe Lincoln getting all rail-splitter on your ass.

May 10

 Only 225 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you think you will need shoes next year, you better adopt some Asian kids soon.

May 9

 Only 226 shopping days left until the end of the world.  One reader asked, “Where will I get maple syrup for my morning pancakes”.  A more important question should be, “Where will I get my morning pancakes?”

May 8

 Only 227 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you are planning on growing your own food and are looking for information, good luck.  I checked the bookstore, there is no “Farming for Dummies”.

May 7

  Only 228 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Want to liven up your post-disaster meal times?  Play “Dinner Roulette”.  Just remove all of the labels from your hoard of canned food.

May 6

 Only 229 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you can train squirrels to ride on dogs, you can hold a decent Kentucky Derby substitute.  Plant your mint now.  Bring your own flowery hat.

May 5

 Only 330 shopping days left until the end of the world. If you didn’t stash away enough Corona beer for Cinco de Mayo, just take any beer and dilute it by half.  Bring your own limes.

May the 4th

 Only 231 shopping days left until the end of the world.  My cousin, Ira, will be presenting the entire Star Wars saga using only action figures.  If anyone has a Boba Fett, please contact me here.  May the 4^th be with you.  Bring your own nerd.

May 3

 Only 232 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Got grey hair?  Dye it!  The old people will be the first ones fed to the giant mutant beargators.

May 2

 Only 233 shopping days left until the end of the world.  In case of solar flares, apply sunscreen (SPF 1000) liberally.  Even you Republicans.

May 1

Only 234 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t throw out your 2012 calendars.  They will be usable again in 2044.

April 30

 Only 235 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Ladies, if you are not pregnant, you should start practicing safe sex.  If not you might find yourself in post-apocalyptic labor.

April 29

Only 235 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Ladies, if you are not pregnant, you should start practicing safe sex.  If not you might find yourself in post-apocalyptic labor.