April 29

Only 236 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you see a roadside stand offering “Chilly Dogs with Catsoup”, don’t assume it’s a spelling mistake.

April 28

Only 237 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Remember books.  Better get reacquainted.

April 27

Only 238 shoping days left until the end of the world.  If you need your morning coffee, you better find someone to keep the fire going all night.

April 26

Only 239 shopping days left until the end of the world.   Start studying Bob Ross’ Joy of Painting on PBS if you want to decorate the walls of your cave.

April 25.

Only 240 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Don’t throw away your CD collection.  They will make excellend coasters for your formal dining cave.

April 24

 Only 241 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If the IRS will be no more, why are you still allowing them to withhold this year’s taxes?

April 23

April 23 – Only 242 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Attention, dog owners.  If you plan on feeding canned dog food to your pet, don’t offer canned corned beef hash to your family.  Just trust me on this one.

April 22

Only 243 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Ladies, if you want a man to shelter you, move to Pennsylvania and marry and Amish fellow.  He and his friends will build you a house and all you have to do is churn butter.  And you know how good you look in black.

April 21

 Only 244 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Ladies, better stock up on condoms.  When you run out, the choices will be plastic wrap or aluminum foil.

April 20

Only 245 shopping days left until the end of the world.  This would be a good day to remind you about planting your herb garden.

April 19

Only 246 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Do you live in a volcanic area?  Move!

April 18

April 18 – Only 247 shopping days left until the end of the world.  Despite the destruction and carnage, I still thought I’d see Dick Clark on New Years Eve.  RIP

April 17

Only 248 shopping days left until the end of the world. They’ll be a big demand for Three Stooges tribute band. Rehearse your eye pokes and pie fights and you’ll never want for a hot meal.

April 16

Only 249 shopping days left until the end of the world.  If you want something to scare away wild animals, go to NFL.com and check out the throwback jerseys for the Pittsburgh Steelers.  They are ugly enough to stop a landslide.

April 15

Only 250 shopping days left until the end of the world. Number One on the New York End Times Bestseller List: Hunting and Gathering for Dummies.

April 14

Only 251 shopping days left until the end of the world. Like homemade ice cream? All you will need is a cow, a crank operated ice cream machine, some crank to operate it . . . and a glacier.

April 13

Only 252 shopping days left until the end of the world. Worried about trigger-happy survivalists. Wear a Kevlar vest under your hoodie.

April 12

Only 253 shopping days left until the end of the world. Join the National Tattoo Registry. It will make it easier to identify your dead body.

April 11

Only 254 shopping days left until the end of the world. Do you have enough duct tape? Do you really? I didn’t think so.

April 1

Only 255 shopping days left until the end of the world. It’s baseball season! To protect yourself and your family, pick up an old bat. You know, one made from ash.

April 9

Only 256 shopping days left until the end of the world. Here’s a nutrition tip: Roasted squirrel is low in cholesterol.

April 7 and 8

April 7 – Only 258 shopping days left until the end of the world. Build a windmill to generate electricity to run your video games. And to microwave Hot Pockets.

April 8 - Only 257 shopping days left until the end of the world. Get Hot Pockets.

April 6

Only 259 shopping days left until the end of the world. It will be cold next winter. If you want a down jacket, pick up one at the clearance sales now. Next year, those ducks will be hard to catch.

April 5

nly 260 shopping days left until the end of the world. Things to not buy: Forever stamps, Sequoia seedlings, periennials, New Year’s Eve party supplies.

April 4

Only 261 shopping days left until the end of the world. You drinkers better start planting either corn or grapes. Remember, 12-year-old scotch takes 12 years to make.

April 3

Only 262 shopping days left until the end of the world. Suffer from allergies? If you plan on stocking up on your medicines, don’t buy more than two packs at a time. You don’t want your house to be raided as a meth lab.

April 2

Only 263 shopping days left until the end of the world. If you are single, think about marrying a doctor. If your married, think about a threesome with a doctor. Free medical care.

April 1

Only 264 shopping days left until the end of the world. Recipe for One-Bean Salad: 1) Open a can of beans; 2) Pour it into a salad bowl.

March 31

Only 265 shopping days left until the end of the world. Start converting your financial assets to one dollar bills. They make great kindling for starting fires.

March 30

Only 266 shopping days left until the end of the world. It won’t do you any good to heard food and supplies if you don’t have a place to hide it. Feel free to hide your stuff at my place.

March 29

Only 267 shopping days left until the end of the world. Be sure to pick up a cast iron frying pan. It is perfect for cooking over an open flame, and it is handy for fending off unwanted zombies or other two-legged predators.

March 28

Only 268 shopping days left until the end of the world. If any of you ladies plan on repopulating the planet, try to do a better job picking out potential dads.

March 27

March 27 - Only 269 shopping days left until the end of the world. In the Doomsday Tournament Championship Game; the Number One seed, Magnetic Pole Shift, was upset by the Number Six seed, Alien Invasion. Everybody stock up on probe-resistant underpants.

March 26

Only 270 shopping days left until the end of the world. In the Doomsday Tournament Championship Game; the Number One seed, Magnetic Pole Shift, faces the Number Six seed, Alien Invasion.