February 27

Only 297 shopping days left until the end of the world. Scientists say that the earth’s north and south magnetic poles may switch places. Remember to turn your batteries around.

February 26

Only 299 shopping days left until the end of the world. In case of tornados, find a cave with a basement.

February 25

Only 300 shopping days left until the end of the world. In case of earthquake, stand in a doorway. I plan on carrying a portable doorway with me every where I go.

February 24

Only 301 shopping days until the end of the world. At least there will be no more episodes of Celebrity Apprentice.

February 23

Only 302 shopping days left until the end of the world. Cover a wide-brimmed hat with aluminum foil. If the giant ants find some magnifying glasses, you’’ll understand the old saying, “Payback is a bitch.”

February 22

Only 303 shopping days felt until the end of the world. To insure your ability to get health care; marry a doctor.

February 21

Only 304 shopping days left until the end of thw world. Not to PETA: Sorry kids, but I thing a lot of people are going to start wearing furs.

February 20

Only 305 shopping days left until the end of the world. Want some waterfront property? Just settle about 200 miles inland from either coast, and wait for the beach to come to you.

February 19

Only 306 shopping days left until the end of the world. Stock up on firewood. You’ll be surprised how fast your furniture will go when burned for warmth.

February 18

Only 307 shopping days left until the end of the world. More post-graduate classes in survival training. Tomorrow on SyFy Channel: Disaster movie all-day marathon.

February 17

Only 308 shopping days left until the end of the world. Attention ladies: in case of flash flood, your breast implants can be used as flotation devices.

February 16

Only 309 shopping days left until the end of the world. A note to all of you politicians: Stop worring about the federal budget. Next year, the budget will balance itself.

February 15

Only 310 shopping days left until the end of the world. If you are a smoker, you might want to start saving those seeds.

February 14

Only 311 shopping days left until the end of thw world. Stock up on condoms or antibiotics. It’s your call.

February 13

Only 312 shopping days left until the end of the world. This just in from MIT. If a BIC lighter has 1,000 lights, and you use it 3 times a day to start a fire, and you only lose 1 per month, and you expect to survive for 20 years, and you don’t intend to use it to get an encore from a travelling band of minstrels, you will need to stash about 260 lighters.

February 12

Only 313 shopping days left until the end of the world. History’s largest diet and exercise program starts 12/22/2012. Stock up on smaller sizrs.

February 11

Only 314 shopping days left until the end of the world. Post-graduate classes are starting this week: Senior Seminar in Zombie Survival, (AKA, athe Walking Dead) on American Movie Classics. See catalog for times. Prerequisite: Any of the Living Dead movies.

February 10

Only 315 shoppings left until the end of the world. I understand that someone is organizing a travelling acting troupe to re-enact classic Seinfeld episodes.

February 9

Only 316 shopping days left until the end of the world. Career tip: Become a professional house sitter. Make notes about possible placed to loot.

February 7

Only 318 shopping days left until the end of the world. Look at it this way. It will be just line one lifelong season of Survivor.

February 6

Only 319 shopping days left until the end of the world. Dog owners, rethink your priorities. Which would you rather have protecting you from a bear, a pit bull or a poodle?

February 5

Only 320 shopping days left until the end of the world. Can’t travel to the Super Bowl site. Hold your own. How about hunters vs. Gatherers.

February 4

Only 321 shopping days left until the end of the world. Be sure to sign up for next year’s Super Bowl on pay-per-view. Al Michaels will travel around the country with a chalfboard, drawing up the plays with expert commentary from Cris Collingsworth.

February 3

Only 322 shopping days left until the end of the year. My Super Bowl picks for 2013: Upper Michigan Survivalists – 27; Los Alamos Atomic Mutants – 3. Get your bets down now.

February 2

Only 323 shoppind days felt until the end of the world. Yucatan Phil, the Mayan groundhog, was shi shadow today. That means about 47 more weeks of existence.

February 1

Only 324 shopping day left until the end of the world. Viceo gamers, fans, EA sports is working on its non-electronic version of Madded 13. The hard part is painting the uniforms and numbers on millions of white mice.