January 31

Only 325 shopping days left until the end of the world. Next year’s Super Bowl party menu will include spicy pigeon wings. Yum.

January 30

Only 326 shopping days left until the end of the world. Start making travel plans for next year’s SuperBowl. It will be held in a large smoking crater, location to be announced.

January 29

Only 327 shopping days left until the end of the world. Plant an herb garden. If you have any left over, you can sell it to trade for things like oregano and thyme.

January 28

Only 328 shopping days left until the end of the world. Stock up on giant underground worm repellent. Kevin Bacon won’t be able to save all of us.

January 27

Only 319 shopping days left until the end of the world. Support gay marriage before it is too late. I don’t know about you, but I would like to have a man around the cave to do the hunting and building.

January 26

Only330 shopping day left until the end of the world. Remember, when the monkeys start talking, head for the hills.

January 25

Only 331 shopping days left until the end of the world. The recent solar flares Ladies, don’t throw away your old underwear. Those thongs will make excellend slingshots. And and old bra can be used to carry two more melons back home.

January 24

Only 332 shopping days left until the end of the world. Hey PETA! Sorry kids, but next year, I’m wearing fur.

January 23

Only 333 shopping days left until the end of the world. This week on Raechel Ray: Roast squirell with dandelion chutney. Yum!

January 22

Only 334 shoppind days left until the end of the world. Guys, get rid of those exercise devices that attach to your door. The last thing you want to do is build a door.

January 21

Only 335 shopping days left until the end of the world. Were you planning a wilderness vacation next year? You are now!

January 20

Only 336 shopping days left until the end of the world. Attention: East Coasters! If you move to Hawaii, you will get 5 more hours!

January 19

Only 337 shopping days until the end of the world. Call your congressperson! Tell him or her to pass the Mosquito Eradication Bill! You’ll thank me next year.

January 18

Only 338 shopping days until the end of the world. Antique shop owners report increased demand for old washtubs and washboards. Unless there has been a renaissance in olde-tyme jugbands, someone is planning to take in laundry.

January 17

Only 339 shopping days until the end of the world. Buy the biggest damn car you can afford, since you might end up living in it.

January 16

Only 340 shopping days until the end of the world. Ladies, want to find men after the apolalypse? Stock up on beer. Just beer.

January 15

Only 341 shopping days left until the end of the world. Guys, want to meet women after the apocalypse? Stock up on what the supermarket calls “Feminine Needs”. And tequila.

January 14

Only 342 shopping days until the end of the world. Remember those transcripts of Oprah that you ordered years ago. Dig them out. Gather some friends and start rehearsing. This could be the rebirth of American Theatre.

January 13

Only 343 shopping days left until the end of the world. Call now to get a plastic liner for that decorative butter churn you picked up at Cracker Barrel. Guaranteed for life. Operators are standing by.

January 12

Only 344 shopping days left until the end of the world. Stock up on Stephen King. His stuff will be a lot scarier than whatever the Mayans have cooked up.

January 11

Only 345 shopping days until the end of the world. If your Mother threw out all of your comic books, remind her when your are burning all of her romance paperbacks for warmth.

January 10

Only 346 shopping days until the end of the world. It might not be a bad idea to start getting used to the taste of cockroach tartare.

January 9

Only 347 shopping days left until the end of the world. A smart man learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. Plan on doing some post apocalyptic looting? Watch “World’s Dumbest Criminals” on TruTV.

January 8

Only 348 shopping days left until the end of the world. If you are stocking up on canned goods, make sure you sleep with your can opener.

January 7

Only 349 shopping days until the end of the world. Keep in touch with friends and loved ones. Get a battery-powered bull horn.

January 6

Only 350 shopping days until the end of the world. Sign up now for Mark Burnett’s new reality show: Global Survivor. Premiers 12/21/2012!

January 5

Only 351 shopping days until the end of the world. Financial Tip: Want a bigger, nicer house. Get a balloon mortgage with low monthly payments now and a huge balloon payment in January.

January 4

Only 352 shopping days until the end of the world. Guys, thinking about building a Man Cave. Why not just find one you can move into. Watch out for bears.

January 3

Only 353 shopping days until the end of the world. There’s only about 11 or 12 WWE Pay-per-Views left. Plan accordingly.

January 2

Only 354 shopping days until the end of the world. Time to sign up for those Making Fire classes at your local community college.

January 1, 2012

Only 355 shopping days until the end of the world. At least we won’t have to watch Kathy Griffin torure Anderson Cooper again.